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Hollywood Wants To Rape My Childhood

I am a nostalgic person by nature. I like to get together with friends and tell tales of the past. You get together with old friends and reminisce of times passed in the midst of creating more memories. This was a staple all throughout college–remembering high school. It’s a staple now–remembering college.

There are only a couple of friends that I have now that I had when I was a child. When we get together, we talk about things that happened “back in the day,” but for the most part my memories of childhood have nothing to do with the people I was around. My youth was filled with pop culture. My first word was “He-Man” (I shit you not, though it was pronounced “Me-Man” at the time). I have fond memories of my childhood, and they all seem to revolve around pop culture icons of the time. I spent Christmas at the hospital with pneumonia when I was seven years old and thing I remember most vividly is receiving a ton of TMNT toys from guilt-riddled relatives who felt bad that they were enjoying their holidays while I was lying in agony.

Fond memories. I can recall these memories easily. The collective conscience of people my age can recall these things easily, too. That’s why Hollywood capitalizes on our sense of nostalgia. But instead of a nice, warm blanket to wrap our bodies, they give us a firm, hard cock-in-the-ass against our will. The examples pile up–whether it’s George Lucas’ second Star Wars trilogy, Spiderman 3, or the re-imagination of the TMNT series, the producers in Hollywood are effectively holding our wrists over our heads and telling us “I know what you want.”

Therefore, I present to you, five ways Hollywood wants to rape my childhood:

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End–I’ll start off with POTC first because it’s the most immediate threat, being as it comes out this Friday. The first Pirates movie was a ton of fun, but the second film had me confusing my arm for popcorn, and I began gnawing at my own flesh because the entire experience was brutally numbing. What an irritating movie, and on top of that, I hear World’s End is EVEN FUCKING LONGER. I believe the final product came in with a run-time of 12 minutes under three hours. That’s just longer than how long I had to wait in line to get into this ride as a kid.

Nancy Drew–I wasn’t particularly nuts for Nancy Drew as a kid. I always preferred Cam Jansen or the Hardy Boys or the Clue novels if I was in need for some PG sleuth. This Nancy Drew movie that’s coming out, admittedly, is not for someone in my demographic. However, I’m sure its success will spawn a series of other sleuth-related stories, much the same way March of the Penguins spawned Happy Feet and the unbelievable lame-looking Surf’s Up which comes out next month. They even have a Hardy Boys movie underway, except they replaced “Boys” with “Men” and the film stars Ben Stiller and Tom Cruise (that “Men” being in quotation marks is no accident, either). Maybe I’m over-reacting. I doubt Nancy Drew will even be that successful, seeing as The Babysitter’s Club and Harriet the Spy failed to draw big audiences when they came out. I just refuse to see a Cam Jansen movie get made, because that’d be fucked.

The Simpsons Movie–Can’t we just let the Simpsons die? This movie would mean something if either A. the series was at its peak of popularity or B. this movie was a clever way to end the series. Being as it’s neither, added to the fact the trailers for this movie have not been funny at all, I feel like this movie will be an experience similar to drowning slowly for 90 minutes.

Live Free or Die Hard–John McClane was my idol at the age of 9. I remember watching those edited-for-content movies on TNT when I was real young, and sneaking into the basement to watch the brain-blowing, motor-mouth-cussing John McClane in all his R-rated glory on VHS whenever my parents weren’t paying attention. Bruce Willis made me want to be an action star when I grew up. Go into space? Drive a fire engine? Fuck that. I want to drop C4 down an elevator shaft and kill some bitches. When I heard Die Hard 4 was coming out (or LF or DH since we’re being intentionally ridiculous) I was pseudo-stoked. But then when I heard that it co-starred Justin Long, my heart sank. When I saw the trailer and noticed there was a lot of obviously CGI-ed action, my weiner shriveled. When I heard that the movie is going to be rated PG-13, my head exploded. John McClane without the F-Bomb is like nipples on Batman–a total betrayal. Yippee Ki-Yay Mother Fudger.

He-Man–Last I heard, Brad Pitt was interested in doing this. Shit. My first words were not “Project mayhem.” By the power of Greyskull, please don’t mess this up, Hollywood. Besides, Brad Pitt already played He-Man. Didn’t anyone see Troy?

The bitch of it is that I know I’ll see all of these movies when they get released. A feeling of nostalgia is more powerful than common sense. And it’s my love for all those things as a child that makes me vulnerable to their charms now. The only person I can blame is myself, because in a way this is what I’ve asked for. It’s like cops telling a mangled sorority girl maybe she shouldn’t have worn such provocative clothing.

In the meantime, check out our weekly podcast where we drink beers and spew gooey amounts of pop culture goodness right in your eye.

-Josh Radde

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