Articles
Archie Movie in the works…
If you’ve enjoyed this years blockbuster comic movies about flaming skull bike riders, and mutant-spider bitten nerds, then you’ll be excited to know that there is more cinematic glory headed in your direction… and no it’s not another Punisher movie, or a Sopranos movie (wtf that ending totally sucked)… but oh it’s much better than that. Your favorite uber-conservative awkward teenage everyman Archie will be coming from comic to screen in the year 2009. I know what you’re thinking, and don’t you dare hit that back button just yet till you get the juicy details:
As of yet there have been no big names attached to this project, nor has there been any writer, or directors attached. Although Paul WS Anderson has been named, says another anonymistic source. This writer’s personal fanboy wet dream would involve Jessica Alba, Ryan Phillipe, and/or Jessica Simpson, clothing optional. Hell, how about Jessica Biel too while we’re at it. Oh and Paul Walker as the mildly retarded Forsythe “Jughead” Jones. How awesome would that be, Paul Walker as a mildly retarded guy nicknamed Jughead? At that point we’re going to have to go with clothing mandatory.
The news that has been released from our unnamed anonymistic source ArChIeNbEtTiE4_eva is that the film won’t contain any of the original story lines, nor will it involve any of the original characters, mostly because Archie Comics will sue the shit out of j00. As always with major studio releases, the irrelevant good news outweighs the irrelevant news, which is they will be sharting money out their asses with another Michael Bay-esque, poorly written comic movie extravaganza. Now, for the most important piece of information we have received from our uber-exclusive anonymous source ArChIeNbEtTiE4_eva aka Xx_JuGHEADReggie_2006-_xX is that the film will be produced by none other than Peter Jackson!….!…. and Jerry Bruckheimer with music by Trevor Rabin…and HANS ZIMMER!:J@#!# and the other guy.
It Ain’t Cool News has reported that the movie will be shot entirely on green screen and will be stylized somewhat similar to the Scooby Doo movie. Think Sin City plus A Scanner Darkly, minus any good nudity and violence–except I have a hinkling that the movie will be rated R, and I’m never not wrong. I know what you’re all thinking and the answer is yes, I do think you should POST your flaming internet-troll comments down below. The coolest flame get a free Strong Words tote bag and Josh’s second born. I already own his first and his next girlfriend’s tits…if he can ever get another girlfriend that is. Special thanks to the contributing source on this story, Ray Dinpoopers.
(As satirical as this article was…would you really be surprised if it did happen? If you enjoyed this sarcastically bastardish article, check out our podcast as we take no prisoners and mock everything pop culture poos out at us.)
Discussion
4 comments for “Archie Movie in the works…”
Post a comment
Tim, you can’t have my first-born child. It’s going to be with your sister anyway, so you’d actually just be taking your own nephew.
You’re a sick sick person.
[...] Archie Movie in the works… [...]
I know I’m way late to the party, but I gotta say this: How dare you say that Jughead is retarded? He was a slacker before Jeff Spicoli made it cool. Twit.
:p
P2