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Well, I Never!

A Lindsay Lohan sex tape???

Boy, I never thought this day would come. Lindsay Lohan has always struck me as a cut above her classless celebutante peers, and yet she has apparently joined the ranks of big-knockered professional bimbos filmed while performing graphic sex acts. Good lord.

I woke up at the crack of noon today and checked the newswire, eager for fresh news about the Street Fighter sequel (BTW, considering that nobody has ever played the original Street Fighter game, they should call the new movie Street Fighter II II [just a thought]), and what was I confronted by but screen caps from a grainy cell phone video in which my precious Lindsay is sucking a big ol’ dick. (It’s not actually clear exactly how big the dick in question is, due to aforementioned low-res quality, but come on. . . It’s Lindsay Lohan. You know she’s not acknowledging anything under eight inches.) And this only twenty four short hours since I viewed screen caps of Sex And The City star Kristin Davis going to town on some plump man-sausage. What the fuck is going on?!

I want to make two points right off the bat: 1) I clicked on these NSFW links strictly out of journalistic duty and not for any salacious interest in Hollywood starlets chomping dick pie. 2) The images currently making the blogosphere rounds are actually not stimulating in the slightest - they’re actually sort of disturbing. Which is counter-intuitive, since watching Lindsay Lohan working some anonymous himbo’s shaft seems like the kind of thing that should stimulate, at the very least, half a chubby. But keep in mind that she was undoubtedly coked out of her mind at the time (this notion is re-enforced by her [entirely plausible, given recent history] statement that she has absolutely no recollection of this particular encounter, or of being filmed), and also that Miss Lohan currently has enough trouble, considering the string of cinematic misfires that has plagued her since Mean Girls and a rap sheet longer than the pole she’s smoking in this video, and furthermore that she’s actually a talented actress who needs this kind of drama like Ashlee Simpson needs more plastic surgery. Which is to say: I feel even worse for Lindsay Lohan than I did after watching Georgia Rule, which is really saying quite a bit.

The Kristin Davis video is, allegedly, from a 1992 encounter with an ex-boyfriend, which makes her story even worse than LiLo’s; I may have my timeline fucked up here (and frankly I’m not engaged enough in the writing of this article to go check IMDB), but I don’t think she had even landed Melrose Place yet. Which means that she was some anonymous actress and for whatever reason decided to let her douchebag boyfriend film her eating cock, and that this douchebag is now releasing that footage for some reason even more inexplicable than the original leap of logic which led to Kristin Davis gumming root on camera in the first place. Shit.

While I was initially as excited as anyone about the celebrity sex tape revolution, I’m simply not so sure anymore. This is getting completely out of hand - it was a mere two weeks ago that I found myself transfixed before the entirely revolting image of Gene Simmons pumping KISS-juice into an anonymous model/energy drink spokeswoman. And now I’ve got this on my conscience - I looked at pictures of my sweet, sweet Lindsay Lohan sucking dick. If there’s a Shenanigans to be found in all of this, it’s that, for some reason, successful actresses seem to do nothing in their spare time but give hummers to unworthy lunkheads. I know LiLo made at least five million for I Know Who Killed Me; why is she still sucking dick?

I can tell you this much: The minute that Strong Words gets picked up nationally and I start cashing those fat syndication paychecks, my days of yodeling in the valley are OVER.

[Author's note: At a certain point in this story I ran out of euphemisms for oral sex. So I Googled "euphemisms for oral sex" and found this fantastic website: http://www.uta.fi/FAST/GC/sex-scat.html. Don't click unless you've got a few hours to spend giggling like a school girl.]

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