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Shenanigans!! - Transformers 2

Ok. So I’m not exactly surprised that, after reading this casting call featuring character descriptions from Transformers 2, I am puzzled by it. When I saw the first Transformers in theaters I was blown away by its sound and visual effects and thought Shia LaBeouf was about as engaging as one could ask of him. It even prompted me to give the film a solid rating (which I later recanted in my Harry Potter review much to the dismay of my co-host Tim). Then I couldn’t get this damned movie out of my mind. Not because I was reveling in how exciting the film was or the lasting impression it gave me about Autobots, Decepticons, Shia LaBeouf, and Michael Bay’s genius. Instead every thought only served to negate any original positive this movie had.

I now hate Transformers. Tim gave me a lot of shit last year for actually trying to criticize this movie. “It’s not about plot,” he would say, “It’s just a good time.” FSR Editor Neil Miller asserted that it was every fanboy and fangirl’s dream movie. Tim and Neil love this movie and it’s easy to understand why. They are capable of watching artsy shit and can jump on the fanboy bandwagon for a movie that promises to be a rousing experience. I know I’m supposed to shut off my criticorial brain when I watch Transformers–but why?

I’m not denying that the film is a good time, but it’s a good time for all the bad reasons. The film simply does away with any logical story-telling. I don’t mean logic in a “cars can’t turn in to people” kind of way, but logical in a this-moment-leads-to-that-moment kind of way. Transformers has none of that. It’s scenes chock-full of half-baked characters, uninteresting CGI robots (who are poorly realized digitally because you can hardly see them), and a CGI cube (which is obviously a MacGuffin) we’re supposed to care about.

Furthermore, I don’t mean to say that a Transformers movie never should’ve been made–It just never should’ve been made by Michael Bay. The only thing this cocksucker has ever made that I enjoyed upon repeat viewing is his Verizon “Awesome” commercial. I think that a movie can be made for virtually anything. Want to make a film about the Thundercats? Great. Smurfs? I’m on-board. Only, these movies should not be made unless there’s a story befitting that of a cinematic adventure. I suspect the upcoming G.I. Joe will do well in theaters because there’s an ingrained nostalgia that will get my generation into movie theater seats. But, that’s not enough!

I guess I’ll never understand moviegoers. Last year, Transformers made almost $320 million at the box office (outperformed by only Spider-Man 3 and Shrek the Third, two movies even more horrible than this) and another $310 million in DVD sales (outearned by only Pirates of the Caribbean 3, worse than all other movies mentioned). Transformers 2 will most likely be a huge, huge hit and with racial archetypes thrown in (a tough, yet lovable character named Momma Simmons who runs a deli/butcher shop in the Bronx) and the promise of more uninteresting characters, I know I’ll be able to add fuel to this fire. What I guess I’m trying to say is that I will always judge a movie as a movie and it obviously doesn’t matter when people don’t listen to critics anyway. If we had our way There Will Be Blood would’ve made $500 million.

Shit, there’s a chance I could even enjoy Transformers 2. I’ll always give a film the benefit of the doubt going in, but since they made so much with so little substance in the first film, I can’t foresee that they’ll improve the story-lines or character development this time around.

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